Well of Illusions!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

i'm gonna stop posting on this blog for now in favour of a more private one which nobody will be able to find by just google-ing my name.

since no one will teach me how to lock this blog i guess this is the best i can do.

it's gonna be real cryptic and stuff so don't bother trying to find it using any search engine.

though i might tell you if you ask reeeeeeeeeal nicelike and actually seem to have a genuine interest in my shit-ass life 8D

slau updated @ 9:40 PM

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Monday, June 1, 2009

i realise that there's no point in doing well academically or excelling in other areas of life when you look just too damn fugly.

because you will only be happy until you look in a mirror.

like me.

and people like me, upon looking in a mirror or any reflective surface for that matter, will go "WHAT THE FUCK!?" and the less mentally stable ones will grab a knife and stab themselves through the heart.

me? i shoulder on, because i always think there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, even though that light may be so dim, it could just be a tiny candle in the face of a bloody hurricane.

like all the stories about building a house on sand, making sure your base is firm, there is no point trying to rack up a list of accomplishments when the template that God based your physical being upon is so damn fucked up.

i wrote in the recent GP CT2 paper that those who defy their physical handicaps should be applauded for their efforts, but in truth that really isn't how the world works, is it? people may acknowledge the effort put in, but deep down inside, they know that these...disadvantaged ones will never compare to them.

likewise, with those who are so ugly people cringe at the very sight of them. that is the life i lead sometimes to me...some modern version of medusa, just with short stumpy blackened snake butts instead of full blown slithery green scaley ones on the top of my head.

why?

why am i so affected by this?

because people put so much damn emphasis on it that's why. in an environment like RJ, where everyone is at least average in terms of academics the defining element is whether you can still maintain your image despite adopting a mugger's way of life.

and i just can't.

well, woe is me then. i can't keep up i guess.

too bad everyone else around me is so freaking well-endowed. why did God have to leave me behind? nobody's going to like me for who i am because i look so freaking screwed up.

aiyah.

i just hate myself.

slau updated @ 12:03 AM

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Saturday, May 30, 2009

wow wasn't today a shit day indeed.

at the moment my life just seems to consist of softball and studying, so if i screw up either of them i'm a dead duck.

or worse than a dead duck, a dead chicken as coach robert said ytd.

ytd...my shoulder's alot worse than i thought. really impeding my movement and it's so obvious that even eng hock could tell. i guess that should be expected since he's the coach anyway, but i don't want to look like a noob. thought i was doing okay when i threw a runner out at third when he took a lead off a wild pitch, but then i conspired to overthrow at second from less than 60 feet, sending jeeboon home and my outfield chasing an obviously lost cause.

didn't help by grounding out to shortstop with my only hit of the game. got walked two out of three at-bats.

i really want to make the team to johor please please please...

and i really dont want to screw up my ct2's. i dunno if i should just give up on h3...i missed so many lessons it's getting quite hard to catch up and prepare for the test WHICH IS IN LESS THAN A WEEK'S TIME. i already decided to totally not study mass spec and emr so that's two topics down. the rest should be just hardcore memory work but i'm afraid it might dilute whatever else i study for h2.

omg why is my life so fucked up...

and i still dunno how to lock my blog.

please stop coming to read this if you don't like to read about my life. i need somewhere to rant and i'm just going to tire myself out by keeping a diary instead.

slau updated @ 11:50 PM

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Friday, May 29, 2009

please stop,you're hurting me.

haiz everything i do also kena fucked.

why do the good things in life always have to turn sour just when you're really living it?

FUCK MY LIFE

slau updated @ 12:08 AM

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

i hate everytime this happens; it's just like losing a part of yourself. you spend every waking moment thinking about what she's doing, and how you can be with her. it's as if she's hurting you when she's doing nothing at all.

but she is! being passive is the worst thing she can do. it fills my heart to hear her concern, to see her come over, instead of me making the first move all the time. but when she doesn't react, when she seems so disinterested, i just feel like tearing a whole in the ground and jumping inside before closing it forever. that is the ignominy i put myself through every day because i have such a big mouth.

and because she is such a good friend, i cannot imagine that she's doing anything of this on purpose. this i am sure of; she's really been there for me all the time. which is why i cannot bear to gatecrash her party which is her life. why change it if it's working just fine? why should i have the privilege of being her shoulder to cry on, or the one she confides in when she has so many other probably better friends?

slau updated @ 8:33 PM

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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

...maybe she would've brought it home if i had gotten a nicer bag for her to carry it in. i just hope she actually likes it.

slau updated @ 9:37 PM

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Thursday, May 21, 2009

/edit

it's damn hard to keep things under wraps now. she's just so so integral to everything i do.

/edit

seems like just yesterday that i had to dig out this song that really depicts what i'm feeling right now (:

Kill
Jimmy Eat World

Well, you're just across the street;
Looks a mile to my feet;
I wanna go to you.
Funny how I'm nervous still,
I've always been the easy kill;
I guess I always will.

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance,
Or only one way that it was always meant to be,
You kill me you always know the perfect thing to say,
Hey hey,
Hey hey.
I know what I should do but I just,
Can't walk,
Away.

I can picture your face well,
From the bar in my hotel.
I wish I'd go to you.
I pick up, put down the phone.
Like your favorite Heatmiser song goes,
It's just like being alone.

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain,
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means,
You kill me, you've got some nerve but can't face your mistakes,
Hey hey,
Hey hey.
I know what I should do but I just, Can't turn,Away,
Away,
Away.

So go on, love,
Leave while there's still hope for escape.
You gotta take what you can these days;
There's so much ahead and,
So much regret.
I know what you wanna say,
I know what you wanna say,
I know it, but can't help feeling differently,
I loved you,
And I should have said it,
But tell me, just what has it ever meant?

I can't help it baby, this is who I am,
I'm sorry but I can't just go turn off how I feel,
You kill me, you build me up,
But just to watch me break.
Hey hey,
Hey hey.
I know what I should do but I just,
Can't walk,Away....

slau updated @ 7:24 PM

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

okay slau, you're on your own.

apparently, having a friend you confide in is beyond other's ability to grasp. are there really so few people who know the value of friendship? or is it a sin to have to depend on others in your time of need?

fine then, if what i'm doing is so wrong, i'm just going to keep to myself. let's see how much good that accomplishes.

slau updated @ 10:32 PM

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Saturday, May 16, 2009

a trying week although almost over, has already thrown up quite a few issues. disregarding the big ones that have obviously left me really disappointed, i think i should be addressing the supposedly more minute ones. like my language. i think i should swear less. yes, even though the last post doesn't really prove my point but i'm really trying! just tend to lose control of myself when i get too pissed off.

and that too: i've really been trying to control my temper recently. cos it's not nice when you get angry at other people. i wouldn't like to have people getting angry at me everyday so i guess i should try to be the same to others. but i seriously just lost it yesterday. was given a good talking-to by mrs nathan. i really miss the ri days. teachers used to really care about student welfare then. not to say that there aren't any who do now, because i'm sure there are, but 1.5 - 2 years can never be compared to the kind of reliability that you forge with mentors who have been with you for 3, sometimes even 4 years. even after so many months, she still knows the right things to say.

other than that i really think i need to shore up my image a little. probably one of the reasons why i'm not reaching out to 'her' so well: i'm just not up to her standard. got to bring in the hardcore strengthening and dieting regime again!

and my verse to get me through the week (yes, even when this has become a time when admitting that you're a Christian can really get you into alot of shit. i know that i haven't really been a very good testimony but at least i still believe in what i'm doing. don't think alot of people can say the same thing can they?):

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

slau updated @ 7:39 PM

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

i feel like shit. i don't know how i am going to get to sleep today, but i have to. i don't know how i'm going to face the rest of the world today, but i have to. because life goes on. i am not going to kill myself because of something like this. i am not going to give up on God because of something like this.

but it is really damn fucking difficult to keep the faith right now. i am unbelievably shattered beyond description. i feel like a worthless piece of shit who has no useful contribution to make to God's green earth in an entire eternity, and i don't think i deserve any self-respect at all.

FUCK all the people who have screwed up. i hope none of them come here and see this or i would have controlled my feelings during matches for nothing. FUCK ALL OF YOU!!!! WHY ARE MY DREAMS DETERMINED BY THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS?!!!???! IS PLAYING UNDER THE EFFECTS OF PAINKILLERS NOT ENOUGH!?! HAVE I NOT MADE ENOUGH SACRIFICES!?!? WHY AM I PLAYING IN A TEAM SPORT!?!?! WHY CAN'T I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF!?!?! WHY CAN'T I WIN EVERY GAME ON MY OWN!??!?!

what is the point of playing internationally if i can't even make it at school level!?

WHY!?

why am i not loved!? why can she not see that underneath everything i really truly do care for her and only her!? why do i have to lose everywhere!? why is she against everything that i am!? how can i forego my religion for her!? why must i like someone who is against my religion!? why is God so unfair!?!? how is this granting my heart's desire!??! HOW CAN I NOT BE DISCOURAGED!?!?! HOW CAN I OBEY!? HOW CAN I KEEP THE FAITH!? HOW CAN I FACE THE WORLD!?!?!?

I AM NOT SUPERHUMAN!!! I HAVE FEELINGS TOO!!! I FEEL DISAPPOINTMENT!!! I FEEL ANGER!!! I WANT TO BEAT PEOPLE UP!!! I WANT TO KILL THAT MOTHER FUCKING BASTARD WHO PITCHED THE BALL IN MY FACE TODAY AND MADE ME DODGE AND FEEL FEAR!!!! I WANT TO KILL HIM!!!! I FEEL PAIN!!! I CANNOT KEEP THROWING AND THROWING AND THROWING FOREVER!!! MY SHOULDER IS DYING!!! I NEED PAINKILLERS!!!!

God help me.

slau updated @ 12:11 AM

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