Well of Illusions!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

haha omg c div is pro/ownage/whatever? haha first time i see HALF an inning last for more than an hour :O but aiyah dunno what happened to robert tsk...smoke too much? haha i think he's still damn cool though. robert ftw!

if our c div doesn't win this year...i really going to kick myself man. and kick them too. must pump them like shizzles for softball camp! work like mad! thrash peicai's noob cheater ass! and orchird park also! kns...too bad convenor gave peicai home game against us. HOLIDAY somemore...alot of people free and will be in school...RIGHT SEETOW!

bloody fucktards.

slau updated @ 12:33 AM

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Sunday, May 20, 2007

turn your eyes to the Lord
give him praise due his name
turn your eyes to the mountain
turn your eyes to Mount Zion

i really cried alot while watching bridge to terabithia yesterday. i don't remember crying that much while i was reading the book, but something in the movie touched me yesterday. maybe it was the unexpectedness...or the expectedness since i knew that particular thing was going to happen, or maybe it was that thing itself that made me cry. when i came home and read the synopsis on wikipedia, i think i found out exactly what it was :

Jesse can overcome his grief only with the strength and courage that his friendship with Leslie has given him.

i think it was the impact that Leslie made on Jesse in that short period of time that they were together, and their dependence on each other, that made me lose it. in some ways i can emphatise with them: Jesse lost someone very close to me, while i lost something that i really really wanted - that title of national champions.

and while Jesse lost it in such an agonizing way, so did we. and i think the tearing was kind of subconscious because i could feel his pain, and the emotional trauma that he was going through.

but like his courage, the Lord Jesus does not forsake either, and i finally found out today, after such a long time in the wilderness. yes, of course it can't be measured in years, but i was lost for a long long time, but now i am found.

to be honest, i was really really affected greatly by our failure in the nationals this year, just that i tried to remain optimistic because i didn't want my parents to get affected as well, especially since my mother has a knack of wanting to know everything that's bothering me.

i was even contemplating suicide once, and even though my chinese teacher laughed it off when i told her about it, i was actually dead serious and i really was considering turning to other means to vent my frustrations. just like how jesse never had a true friend until he met leslie, so it was with me never having won anything in the nationals before. and this year, i felt that we truly had a chance.

maybe it was just as evident to other people as well, which was why they had to resort to such things against us. but it hurts. it really does. and thankfully today's sermon really really helped me see the light.

although i didn't go up for the altar call, i was just as touched and moved by those who went up for prayer, especially by some of the testimonials, and some of the songs written by my church's sonic edge band. and maybe i should make psalm 40:1-4 my favourite passage in the bible:

i waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet upon the rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man
who makes the Lord his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

and just like how Jesse finally got over Leslie's death, i think the testimonials by some of the sonic edge ministry members, and the message of today's sermon, was sent me the message that God will see me through this tough period, and He will put a new song in my mouth.

the other thing i got from the movie is that people can disappear from our lives within a split second, and we can do nothing about it no matter how open we keep our minds. therefore we should cherish our time on earth. what are we doing to make our time here more worthwhile? how do we make it more valuable?

i cried the most when Jesse was in his father's arms, crying because he hadn't brought Leslie to Christ yet, and he thought he had doomed her to a lifetime in hell. will that be how we feel when someone else we are close to passes away? will that be how we feel when we ourselves have to leave this mortal plane? that we aren't doing enough to make our lifetime worthwhile?

why should we be so privileged to live more than twenty years? like one of the songs the sonic edge band wrote:

who am i that You should save me?
who am i that You should love me?
who am i that You should give Your life for me?

God gave up so much so that we could be here today, and what are we doing to repay that sacrifice that He made? sometimes i really feel so wasted, and that was one of the reasons that i felt like ending it all. even if i lived out this damned life of mine, would i even see heaven? i might as well just end it now and go to hell.

but no, like pastor Ronny said offering today:

a life with God, is a life with hope

how awesome is this God of ours, that He can turn anything around? that He can turn my disappoint, frustration, and anger around?

i just tear at His wonderful grace, even though my eyes are still a little swollen from yesterday and this morning.

slau updated @ 1:39 PM

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Friday, May 18, 2007

maybe it was a wrong move to restart my blog, because i have nothing to blog about now! like, NOTHING! really! this blog is just going to rot and all i'm going to do is change the blogskin and then post some random stuff like kevin lim -_-

well anyway, my life has been very exciting as of late. entertaining thoughts of suicide, masquerade, and whatnots. here are some of the...highlights i would suppose:

1) my psp
right now it's with tze ern, because it's technically mine, but in reality it's not. okay fine i don't really know what that means, but putting it in simple terms, my parents think it's not mine, but it's really mine. they think it's a friend's, and therefore i had to 'return' it because they thought i would be spending too much time on it. so now i play it like during reces, lunch....CLASS xD and let tze ern take it home to charge and play. so now he has his own account on marvel ultimate alliance and he's completely pwning me even though he's playing on normal and i'm playing on easy -_-

2) avatar
I FOUND A SITE WITH ALL THE AVATAR EPISODES! :D oh joy! i totally <3 avatar because it's kinda cool like in the LoTR cool but it's damn...anime and damn whacky at the same time. but it made me feel damn emo for a certain period of time. maybe it was because we got DUMPED OUT OF THE NATIONALS BECAUSE WE GOT SOME FUCKTARD FOR AN UMPIRE FOR OUR PEICAI FUCKING GAME and because SO AND SO IN ORANGE and SO AND SO IN GREY AND IN torrentIAL RAIN FIXED A FUCKING MATCH TO KICK US FUCKING OUT, but it made me feel damn emo and i was lamenting during some random cct to niu lao shi that i was going to jump before the test.

i dunno what came over me la. i think the best possible way of expressing it was that i felt very lousy and screwed up and that my life was amounting to nothing. like seriously, i'm not fantastic at studies. not that i want to be in fact. even if i'm damn good in studies, i'd still like to have my main goal of being a good sportsman. national champs at the very least, and we could have fucking did it this year. seriously, having a 2-0 win-loss record against the eventual national champs isn't something to just dismiss like that, especially when the second one was by a score of 11-1.

okay fine maybe people might just do that especially since we fucking LOST AN EIGHT RUN LEAD AGAINST PEICAI BECAUSE OF THAT FUCKING UMPIRE MOTHER CHEEBYE. seriously la how can you expect someone to forget about that?! how can you expect me to forgive?! fucking bastards. fucking orchirds. fucking orange cheebyes.

so i was damn emo because this final year had amounted to nothing. zilch. zero. and in the worst possible way. i will never forgive that fucktard umpire. never forget those two fucked up coaches from the two fucked up schools. even the fucked up schools and the fucked up sports council. chao cheebyes. zonals against peicai could not have come any sooner. they will be in for a very very violent reception and i hope one of the fucktards from the school comes here to read THIS HERE HERE THERE <-------------.

FUCK la.

3) I'M TOO FUCKING PISSED TO CONTINUE.

slau updated @ 12:09 AM

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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

well, the c div lost today. quite badly too. all i can say is, be thankful this isn't the nationals and take this as a wake up call that you guys arent unbeatable, and there are still teams out there that can take you on and give you a good fight.

i dunno about anyone else, but i've never dared to count teams like cat high out of the equation. sometimes i really give them respect for the discipline that they exhibit on the field. some people may call it being...i dunno girly? but i've never heard anyone from the cat high team shout and scream when they make a good play, just clapping and the usual encouragement. then back to focusing on the game, no dwelling on past occurences.

of course it's different for peicai and orchird park but we shan't go that shall we?

even for acsi, no matter how poseur their softballers are, they still continue to fight when they're down, when people think that they're out. and maybe it's good that christian school's won the softball b div title two years running now...?

of course i hope it won't be three, but you get what i mean.

thinking back to what could have been this year makes me feel really screwed up: how i maybe should have elected to throw the guy out at two against peicai when it was one and three loaded and make it two down, or maybe i should have gone for that specific pitch against orchird park to maybe get on base...everyone says the same thing; get over it, it's done with...but it's not that easy when you bow out that way.

it's not easy to forget losing a game where you were 8 up. it's not easy to forget bowing out of the tournament because some other teams got the exact score needed to put you out, whether by artificial means i shall not specify lest those petty idiots decide to take me to court over this. id just really love to slam a fist into their faces when i'm stuck in a dark deserted alley with them. and no, my anger and frustration and hatred for them will not make me lose.

just like how i will never get pushed over by anyone again, whether physically or mentally.

todays game of soccer during lunch made me see that even a small fry like so and so can do you some harm, whether you take him for granted or not. maybe it was the wound on my knee that made me go to the ground so easily, but next time, i won't be the one going down.

i've got to work. we've all got to work, for next year and the year after that, to show the world that 2007 was fruitless not because we were screwups, but because we were done in by a group of screwups. screwups without any pride, screwups who would give up a place in the finals just to continue a petty feud that they know they will never win by legal means.

and that fucking umpire better be on his cheebye guard. especially if he's going to ump our c div games.

and to the c div, if anyone comes here at all, take this loss in your stride and work forward, work to get to another level, because today isnt the end. there's still a long way to go, and all our hopes are resting upon your shoulders now.

we want revenge. we want it badly. we want it now.

slau updated @ 1:41 AM

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Sunday, May 13, 2007

i know my birthday is over but...

OMG SOMEONE PLEASE BUY THE CIVIL WAR AND THE NEW AVENGERS SERIES POUR MOI!

damn friggin cool la wth T_T

haha anyway our group's english biography trailer is coming up very nicely. and to give you an idea of what we're doing, here are some shots:

disclaimer: IF YOU DONT WANT TO SPOIL THE SURPRISE ON WEDNESDAY, 4P PEOPLE PLEASE DONT SCROLL DOWN!

me getting my uh...pinched in the uh...chest region.

me getting kicked uh...between the legs!

and again...

my mysterious masked assailant bashing a window in

unsuspecting me about to get a chair thrown at me

me getting uh...dustbined

slau updated @ 11:34 PM

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cow i'm still awake at this unearthly hour doing who knows what. oh yes, homework!

today i was having a little chat with mrs nathan and mr chng in the SPANKING NEW ri gym that is NICELY AIRCONDITIONED and has TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS worth of equipment in it and SOFTBALL AND ALL THE OTHER SPORTS CCAS HAVE SLOTS TO USE IT so ha to all the non-sports cca people! xP

anyway, i was lamenting the fact that one of our slots was the thursday morning slot. i mean, maybe it's just me, but does anyone else have any problems waking up in the morning to go to school?

*deathly silence*

ok it's just me.

well, anyway one of the reasons why i have so much trouble waking up in the morning is because i'm up til way past like, now, which is already one plus in the morning when most of you are already tucked away in your nice cosy little beds dreaming of eating breakfast the next day.

which is today.

because it's already morning.

so yea, by the next day i really meant today.

sunday.

and not monday.

so yeah anyway i was going on and on about how stupid it would be to have a slot that i can't even wake up to. and mrs nathan was like 'i wake up at 4am everyday'

yes of course people can do that. i can too, all i have to do is reverse my sleeping schedule - sleep first, do work later. thing is, i have no idea how long my 'work' will take, and thus i daren't sleep at all.

last week i practically had no sleep because i was mugging for tests. today, im not asleep yet because im trying to convert some stupid files on dvd to windows media player files...

well that just made me feel like i shouldn't be wasting my time on this. so, bye for now!

slau updated @ 1:24 AM

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Saturday, May 12, 2007

HI! Like after such a LOOOOOOONG hiatus I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

I think I just couldn't stand being away from blogging. SEE I like it so much I'm actually typing with CAPITAL LETTERS OMG IS THIS A MIRACLE OR WHAT!?

YES so LINK ME PLEEZ I need some publicity!

slau updated @ 10:01 PM

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