Well of Illusions!

Monday, February 25, 2008

justice is getting what you deserve.
mercy is not getting what you deserve.
grace is getting what you don't deserve.

i really miss my two ex-classmates...matilda and jeremy...life won't ever be the same without you guys unfortunately.

thankyou to all the friends who have stuck by me, encouraged me, and helped me get by in one way or another. my sincere thanks from the bottom of my heart.

let's at least try to have a whale of a time.

slau updated @ 9:40 PM

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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

FUCK

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

slau updated @ 8:59 PM

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Monday, February 18, 2008

i am such a sap sometimes that i wonder why people haven't started beating me up for it. everybody knows i'm an emo kid, though i may seem to be the exact opposite. however as pumba may say: "i'm a sensitive soul, though i seem thick-skinned".

that, by the way, by no means implies that i'm a pig.

however i do think that i have to explain myself a little to myself. yes, i have to clear up the stuff that has transpired with myself, as well as whoever that may read this, that they too may obtain a better understand of the events that have taken place.

the first question that comes to mind is whether my bouts of angst and emoness are justified. am i supposed to feel happy when something doesn't go my way? yes, you may feel gracious and accept the things as they are, but that does not equate to happiness! it's as if everybody expects me to be jumping up and down with joy after all the crap that i've gone through! it's preposterous i tell you, some people just never fail to amaze me with their lack of comprehension of the human spirit.

you may say that my being emo and feeling down and all that is a tad bit over-reacting, and i kind of agree as well. you think i like being so sad just because of a stupid thing like this? hell no, i have better things to do, such as becoming a better person so you can see how FRICKIN WRONG you were.

it's just that, naive as i may be, i didn't really consider how it would end when i told myself: yes, slau you should do this this and that. admittedly, i never did and that could be one of the many reasons behind my bouts of anguish and depression. but it's obviously not the main reason.

some people may claim otherwise, but i go about these 'situations' with as much heart and soul as i do anything else. whether it be training, competition or studies, i take it just as seriously as all of them. i shed tears over them, take joy and pride over them. and to just have it all brought to an end just like that was really too much to bear.

and you still expect me not to be emo.

fine, i may not have been the perfect one for you, but there really wasn't any need to make me feel so awkward so many of those times before. it really pains me to see you so different around me, compared to what other people tell me about you. it's like i'm some burden that you have to carry around, and you're not going to let it down slowly, but just plonk it on the ground just like that.

i mean if that was really how you felt all this while why didn't you say so? and it's not like i actually uttered those three words? i'm sure i never told you how i felt before...probably all the information you had obtained before was based on rumours, and gossip and people telling you stuff that you had no way to confirm.

UNFORTUNATELY it was all true.

and obviously i'm at fault for it.

it's also my fault the titanic sank.

like i said before (i think), i had no intention of telling you yet. i was never going to ask anything of you, not going to ask you to make any commitments, force you to make decisions or any of those other stuff you see the women make on those chinese soap operas. no, i was perfectly fine and contented with how things were going at that point in time.

and you had. to drop. the bombshell.

why? i have no idea, maybe it's something you take pride and pleasure in, but i sincerely hope that's not true because if it is then i have REALLY wasted a hell lot of time and emotions and tears on you. as of yet i'm still convinced that all of it has been worth it and this thing can still end well, whatever ending that may be.

but i doubt so.

i'm not emo anymore. i'm pissed.

fucking pissed.

yes, i'm trying to stay away from you. what happened today (18/2/08) was totally unintentional because apparently some people do think i'm an asshole for not talking to you. i have no idea why. maybe they're as ignorant as you. maybe they don't know the whole story. maybe they don't know the TRUE story. but whatever, i'm sick of being a slave to my emotions. or at least, not a slave to my sadness.

i am fucking pissed off and this will only drive me to work harder to show you that you have just made the biggest fucking mistake of your life.

and in two years time, i will shove my testimonial down your bloody throat.

slau updated @ 11:53 PM

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i am SO FUCKING PISSED OFF i need to fucking KILL SOMEBODY!

slau updated @ 9:42 PM

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Sunday, February 17, 2008

take5 was uh. i dunno, i spent most of the time just sitting around, talking crap, playing soccer, screwing up in soccer, skipping stones...not much of the stuff that i was supposed to do at take5 i guess xDD

but i had fun! yes i did!

i think the day started off quite well...i actually got to take public transport there! :O so thanks to my mom for letting me be INDEPENDENT for once! x) haha...yes, getting car rides all the time can get a little boring after awhile.

i really think my soccer team was good enough to win luh ): just that you know who screwed up by covering the wrong post...and that goal proved to be the decider as we lost 1-0 to the eventual champs...sigh. i felt so wasted and extera after that wearing the sji shirt, but owell!

thanks to ming, bryden, avinash, yvan, hahn, nige, mikey, daryl for that chance to play! i had fun while it lasted!

and uh...the two crazy girls that joined our team wah siao most aggro females i have ever seen! :/ scary sia...

aiyah but very jia lat...dno if i want to go again next year and screw up again -.-

after that i went with ming's class to whitesands for lunch, then after some deliberation (during which time i got denied again and again my chance to POOL!) we went to tampines mall for a movie...and PS I LOVE YOU IS REALLY THE WRONG MOVIE TO WATCH AFTER TAKE5!!

seriously it was like a 2 hour nap imo, cos i really wasn't in the mood to watch this kinda sappy love stories, and i like just fell asleep from the start...yes even the kissing scene didn't arouse any kind of. emotions. lol.

but the outing did make me realise something: i like meeting new people! so i hope my class and my og gets second intakers this week! otherwise it's gna be really boring :/

sigh...

i actually like school alot, but for the one or two people that turn it all around...i don't need guys like you.

and i really really don't want to see you especially...

slau updated @ 11:40 PM

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Saturday, February 16, 2008

slau updated @ 8:29 PM

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Monday, February 11, 2008

fact 1: i went to malaysia for cny.

fact 2: sorry i didn't tell many of you guys cos...of no reason HA! oops!

fact 3: i watched m18 movies!! :D

in malaysia...

but not for that kind of stuff lar more for the storyline. REALLY!

like sweeney todd was seriously daaaaaaaamn cool i need to get the soundtrack sometime. hitman was like, more for the franchise la but the storyline was kinda crappy anyway. and good luck chuck was like. good luck chuck.

but when i finally couldn't stand it i did turn it off. and i stopped early enough not to really get the entire gist of the story so...THERE U HAVE IT! im not a cheeko! XP

anw i've been listening to born to be wild by three different bands. yes, three! hinder, steppenwolf and slayer. and like. lol. realy nothing better to do -.-

(probably) in chronological order la.

sorry i really damn tired today. anyway rock orientation was ok! met new ppl. found out more ppl actually watched me at rageeeeeeee aahhhhhhh T_T *diez*

slau updated @ 10:31 PM

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Tuesday, February 5, 2008

it had to happen. it just HAD to happen to me. and with the first month of school just over too! what a way to start my two years in jc!

what amazes me is how i keep on going, how i've continued living through each day. i should have been dead long ago, splattered into a million pieces on some road somewhere in singapore. or dehydrated, wrinkled like a prune, with all the blood in me having gushed out from the multiple slash wounds on my arms.

but no, i'm still here. typing out what seems like just another emo entry contemplating suicide.

and i am. the seventh floor looked so tempting when i went up alone about two hours ago. or maybe the thirteenth floor of the new boarding block if it were easier to gain access to it.

this is the kind of mental torment i subject myself to by being such a sucker for emotions. maybe i'd fare better if i were as 'stoned' as some people. if i wore the same expression on my face 24 hours a day, like today. i could stay that depressed, and that emo for the rest of my life, i'd just have to get used to it. maybe then i'd actually live a happier life.

but what makes me so pissed this time round is that this end was really premature. i never intended for it to come to this, and there're really a lot of other things that i had planned to do. obviously they won't come to much use now.

thanks so much to everyone who have tried to make me feel better, my og and classmates, friends. i am extremely grateful from the bottom of my heart for having people to talk to in this time of need.

i think a part of me just shriveled up and died today.

slau updated @ 9:40 PM

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Saturday, February 2, 2008

it hasn't been a very long time since i last update but such is the way that school just seems to drag on and on that it feels like i haven't touched this blog for umpteen years. so anyway, i know all you guys are dying for an update.

i thought i'd prepared myself well for the almost-inevitable which was me not getting into the finals of talentime, but it still bites :/ albeit a little less than all the other things i've failed in but yeah, it still didn't really settle in very well at first. but it's ok, i've gotten over it. at least i've accomplished what i'd set out to do in the first place, and i hope she really did manage to hear hte lyrics :/ it'd be such a waste if the sound system somehow screwed up the message-in-a-song that i was sending out ):

and why is it that everyone thinks i was singing without music just for the sake of it!? i'm not so extra pls...like i said before and kind of anticipated and actually predicted in the end, this was going to be my last chance to sing the song and i really really had to do it so as a friend put it i suicided and performed like i wasn't going to get in and i really didn't.

on the other hand i did get into raffles rock, which guarantees me some airtime at least with my band. i really need to get about trying to learn how to play the guitar. on hindsight if i had known how to play the guitar i'd have at least been able to put some music into my song, but owell it's over so i'm done with that.

classes have been alright to say the least i think that 09so6m can still benefit alot from the second intake people especially if they can inject a little verve into the guys and girls and maybe like bring people closer together and make certain people less irritating. seriously i just cannot stand certain classmates and i really wish they'd just get the hell out of rj asap. that kinda whittles it down to o level people but why the hell do i care anyway. i'm being unkind and inconsiderate and insensible. so what?

on the other hand i think our og is still in ok condition. not as closely-knitted as it was just after orientation but owell hopefully orientation 2 will bring us back together. missed a few og outings with other commitments but argh i'm dedicated to being there at the next one.

what else...

oh yeah. i'm quitting writers' guild after the meeting. oh joy!

slau updated @ 11:15 PM

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