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Thursday, May 14, 2009

i feel like shit. i don't know how i am going to get to sleep today, but i have to. i don't know how i'm going to face the rest of the world today, but i have to. because life goes on. i am not going to kill myself because of something like this. i am not going to give up on God because of something like this.

but it is really damn fucking difficult to keep the faith right now. i am unbelievably shattered beyond description. i feel like a worthless piece of shit who has no useful contribution to make to God's green earth in an entire eternity, and i don't think i deserve any self-respect at all.

FUCK all the people who have screwed up. i hope none of them come here and see this or i would have controlled my feelings during matches for nothing. FUCK ALL OF YOU!!!! WHY ARE MY DREAMS DETERMINED BY THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS?!!!???! IS PLAYING UNDER THE EFFECTS OF PAINKILLERS NOT ENOUGH!?! HAVE I NOT MADE ENOUGH SACRIFICES!?!? WHY AM I PLAYING IN A TEAM SPORT!?!?! WHY CAN'T I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF!?!?! WHY CAN'T I WIN EVERY GAME ON MY OWN!??!?!

what is the point of playing internationally if i can't even make it at school level!?

WHY!?

why am i not loved!? why can she not see that underneath everything i really truly do care for her and only her!? why do i have to lose everywhere!? why is she against everything that i am!? how can i forego my religion for her!? why must i like someone who is against my religion!? why is God so unfair!?!? how is this granting my heart's desire!??! HOW CAN I NOT BE DISCOURAGED!?!?! HOW CAN I OBEY!? HOW CAN I KEEP THE FAITH!? HOW CAN I FACE THE WORLD!?!?!?

I AM NOT SUPERHUMAN!!! I HAVE FEELINGS TOO!!! I FEEL DISAPPOINTMENT!!! I FEEL ANGER!!! I WANT TO BEAT PEOPLE UP!!! I WANT TO KILL THAT MOTHER FUCKING BASTARD WHO PITCHED THE BALL IN MY FACE TODAY AND MADE ME DODGE AND FEEL FEAR!!!! I WANT TO KILL HIM!!!! I FEEL PAIN!!! I CANNOT KEEP THROWING AND THROWING AND THROWING FOREVER!!! MY SHOULDER IS DYING!!! I NEED PAINKILLERS!!!!

God help me.

slau updated @ 12:11 AM

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