Well of Illusions!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

til now my blog has been relatively free of vulgarities but i feel this is time to give one big shout:

FUCK MUGGING FUCK RJ FUCK STUDIES FUCK LIFE

i don't know whether i should be spurred on to study harder for my promos and lecture/tutorial tests or whether this is a sign that all my studying will eventually end up to naught. i know i'm supposed to have faith when i pray and whatever but i really am going through a crisis right now. i have no idea how to tell my parents, and when to tell my parents about my totally fucked up results because they'd just fuck me up the ass (figuratively) for being lazy and not working hard and getting what i deserve and all that fuck mother shit that i really cannot stand anymore.

the seventh floor looked so tempting today. i haven't had to entertain these thoughts for a long time because of the great people around me providing all kinds of support and i'm really very thankful but there is a point where everything else will be inconsequential and my strength of will and determination will be the only factor determining whether i end my life a blood splat on the floor of a 50-storey high HDB block.

i don't really have much else to look forward to: math was a fuck, econs is really unpredictable and i don't think i did as well for my case study. i am still undecided about the status of my essay even though i had some solace from what the teacher went through today. and gp is well. i just don't have anymore confidence in myself.

and why not? i really feel that this was the hardest i've ever mugged so far in like the past five years and to get these kind of seriously fucked up results is really beyond me. i know others may say that they got worse and start cursing and swearing at me but it is the fact that i aimed so high that i fell so far and if they could only emphatise with the feeling of actually crashing so badly they would maybe be able to understand that sometimes getting a D may not be better than getting an S.

and i'm proving to be very much a failure in everything else too. i'm in no shape to play for combined schools after today's training. i am aching all over, and my plans to work more on fitness just went down the drain cos i couldn't even sit up properly without feeling pain in my stomach today.

i can't even find it in myself to go up and talk to someone that i so badly want to be with. there are just so many stupid thoughts running through my head and i actually think she does feel the way...i think she feels about me. so what the hell. if you're reading this i beg of you to have a little pity.

fuck everything and if you can't stand my ranting then don't come here as it is nobody wants to listen to me rant anyway.

slau updated @ 8:42 PM

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