Well of Illusions!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

yeah, i was supposed to be sleeping a damn long time ago but my mind has started to wander and i feel the need to put something down in words.

life is tough.

like honestly, sincerely complicated. and to think i just found out! all along i've been going about my life thinking i know what i want and i am destined to achieve it if i continue working towards and keeping my mind focused on it but that isn't exactly the case at this point in time. i mean, how much would you expect a life-long goal to change over a lifetime?

but mine has, and i'm not sure how to respond to it. if i do follow my conscience, i might very well turn the very people i used to love against me. and though this delicate state of equilibrium (yes, physics still manages to find its way into something as literary as a blog post) is working just fine for me right now, i can't say it's exactly what i want.

so what if both sides are happy when i'm not?

should i be so accomodating as to sacrifice my personal wants, needs, cravings, desires, passions...to subject myself to the kind of ignominy and degredation that i am currently having to deal with? it seems as if nothing i do will up my credibility, move me up a notch or two. everything i do can be criticised one way or another, and nobody actually takes into account the setbacks that i have had to deal with.

yes, i was stupid to force it, but give me a break now ok? i think i've proven my worth but nobody can play a perfect game, nobody can be faultless and everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses. why define my faults and shortcomings so clearly and prominently when i already obviously know what's wrong with myself? as if anyone knows me better than...me?

at this point i'm too lazy to let weird al and avenue q load on youtube, so please bear with me. and i hope that fucked up piece of crap doesn't come irritate me on my tagboard again.

anyway, quite a bit has transpired in school thus far, and a friend has been gained, and quickly lost. i do regret my failure to treasure this person more than i should have, and i know that it is way past the time to regret and repent. but i hope this person will continue to experiance success after success, cos it's exactly what this person deserves and i wish this person all the best.

from the bottom of your used-to-be bestie's heart.

slau updated @ 12:18 AM

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