Well of Illusions!

Monday, February 18, 2008

i am such a sap sometimes that i wonder why people haven't started beating me up for it. everybody knows i'm an emo kid, though i may seem to be the exact opposite. however as pumba may say: "i'm a sensitive soul, though i seem thick-skinned".

that, by the way, by no means implies that i'm a pig.

however i do think that i have to explain myself a little to myself. yes, i have to clear up the stuff that has transpired with myself, as well as whoever that may read this, that they too may obtain a better understand of the events that have taken place.

the first question that comes to mind is whether my bouts of angst and emoness are justified. am i supposed to feel happy when something doesn't go my way? yes, you may feel gracious and accept the things as they are, but that does not equate to happiness! it's as if everybody expects me to be jumping up and down with joy after all the crap that i've gone through! it's preposterous i tell you, some people just never fail to amaze me with their lack of comprehension of the human spirit.

you may say that my being emo and feeling down and all that is a tad bit over-reacting, and i kind of agree as well. you think i like being so sad just because of a stupid thing like this? hell no, i have better things to do, such as becoming a better person so you can see how FRICKIN WRONG you were.

it's just that, naive as i may be, i didn't really consider how it would end when i told myself: yes, slau you should do this this and that. admittedly, i never did and that could be one of the many reasons behind my bouts of anguish and depression. but it's obviously not the main reason.

some people may claim otherwise, but i go about these 'situations' with as much heart and soul as i do anything else. whether it be training, competition or studies, i take it just as seriously as all of them. i shed tears over them, take joy and pride over them. and to just have it all brought to an end just like that was really too much to bear.

and you still expect me not to be emo.

fine, i may not have been the perfect one for you, but there really wasn't any need to make me feel so awkward so many of those times before. it really pains me to see you so different around me, compared to what other people tell me about you. it's like i'm some burden that you have to carry around, and you're not going to let it down slowly, but just plonk it on the ground just like that.

i mean if that was really how you felt all this while why didn't you say so? and it's not like i actually uttered those three words? i'm sure i never told you how i felt before...probably all the information you had obtained before was based on rumours, and gossip and people telling you stuff that you had no way to confirm.

UNFORTUNATELY it was all true.

and obviously i'm at fault for it.

it's also my fault the titanic sank.

like i said before (i think), i had no intention of telling you yet. i was never going to ask anything of you, not going to ask you to make any commitments, force you to make decisions or any of those other stuff you see the women make on those chinese soap operas. no, i was perfectly fine and contented with how things were going at that point in time.

and you had. to drop. the bombshell.

why? i have no idea, maybe it's something you take pride and pleasure in, but i sincerely hope that's not true because if it is then i have REALLY wasted a hell lot of time and emotions and tears on you. as of yet i'm still convinced that all of it has been worth it and this thing can still end well, whatever ending that may be.

but i doubt so.

i'm not emo anymore. i'm pissed.

fucking pissed.

yes, i'm trying to stay away from you. what happened today (18/2/08) was totally unintentional because apparently some people do think i'm an asshole for not talking to you. i have no idea why. maybe they're as ignorant as you. maybe they don't know the whole story. maybe they don't know the TRUE story. but whatever, i'm sick of being a slave to my emotions. or at least, not a slave to my sadness.

i am fucking pissed off and this will only drive me to work harder to show you that you have just made the biggest fucking mistake of your life.

and in two years time, i will shove my testimonial down your bloody throat.

slau updated @ 11:53 PM

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