Well of Illusions!

Monday, November 5, 2007

yeah well, okay i know i haven't been posting at all but yeah that's the way it kinda goes when you have so much on your mind that you can't even be bothered to enter the url, your password and username and click on a few links to talk about your thoughts and feelings on certain issues, but yes here i am because i have spent the past few days at moses's chalet thinking things over.

and yes, all while para para-ing and xbox-ing and getting owned by malays at soccer-ing.

this has been the crappiest year by far in ri and i say that without any doubt in my mind at all. rs was a chore although in the end i think my second place was well and truly deserved because nabil admittedly was the better contestant. my only regret is that the people that actually needed convincing weren't there and therefore that kind of made this opportunity a little wasted, no offence to my endearing fans that were once again out in full force to provide whatever support they could for me and for that i am eternally grateful.

and so this is also what it's like to be some sort of a star, because after the concert i was faced with a wave of people i had never seen before who were saying hi and good job and etc etc to me and i was just like oO do i know you? well at least i had the sense to at least smile (i hope) back and maybe shake a few hands. lol. showbizz and stardom is so not for me but wdv not as if engineering is.

also, where grades are concerned i really feel like kicking myself for screwing it up in my last year in secondary school. of all the years to get the lowest gpa in my entire four years, it had to be this one. and i was at least banking on my cca to give me some respite, but no a service award for softball isn't going to cut it for me at all.

it's just been really disappointing to see people achieve so much in something while condemning another aspect of their school life to hell while here i am trying to be an all-rounder and end up screwing everything up. once again, no offense but it kind of irks me to see the mugger class of 4R receive close to (or possibly) zero awards for cca. i really don't see the point in achieving a stellar academic history while your cca record is burnt to the ground. school isn't about just mugging alone, and as many people may have heard from my random outbursts, any tom dick and harry with a reasoable IQ can get a 4.0 gpa if all he does is wake up at 6am, go to school, study, come home at 315, 130 or 1245 depending on which school day it is and mug til he goes to bed at whatever donkey time that may be.

and then there are the paul terns, the seriously unmatchable, incomparable, achievable-only-if-you're-a-god kind of person, who becomes what, head boy, ccal and top scorer in class all at once. obviously everyone's trying to do what he does but i just can't seem to wake up and tell myself no way slau you're not a paul tern. you're just well, a slau.

and the thing that makes it harder is that i can't bring myself to let go of any of the other things that i do in school. i like singing, althought i don't intend to pursue it very passionately, even though i do have a passion for it (ok that was confusing). i did consider giving up softball but brian didn't so who am i to consider that course of action. and i can't drop out of school, no matter how much i want to. i'd get kicked out of my house and live on the streets as a reject my entire life. so yeah, i can only try my best to be a paul tern.

which i am destined to fail at, no qualms about it.

you know why?

because i can't keep to myself. my hands are just naturally twitchy and i can't help it but double click the cs icon or the fm icon on my laptop's desktop and start playing for hours on end, especially when exams aren't near. but that's the period of time the paul terns are probably mugging the most.

even worse, this insatiable hunger to do anything but study is apparent even during the exam period. facebook, msn, etc etc...it just can't and won't end for me!

which is why i have made a solemn oath to become as INTROVERTED and SOCIOPATHICAL as i can in rjc. nope, no more going out, no more hanging around late after training, no more gaming, no more having fun. it's just going to be mugging, mugging, mugging, a bit of softball, mugging somemore...and then i'll be done with jc in a flash.

because i am SICK and TIRED of feeling like such a RETARD when i see so many other people doing so well in SO many of the things that i yearn to succeed at. it just pisses me off really and i just cannot bring myself to continue when my pride and joy is dashed on the rocks of disappointment when someone else comes and tells me 'oh i did better'. obviously i bring it upon myself when i ask people how they did, but isn't that only natural? maybe if i wasn't so enthusiastic about life (or was enthusiastic, seeing as how my new outlook on school is going to be implemented very soon), i wouldn't be so disappointed with myself because then i'd only be competing with myself, and myself alone.

so yes, lonely little secluded corner in rj, here i come.

slau updated @ 1:08 AM

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