Well of Illusions!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

to hell with abstinence. i have no idea why i can't just get back to the way i was before? before i had this stupid blog for me to rant and be emo for the whole world to see, rather than emoing to myself in my own little corner at home.

i really thought i was over it, and maybe i am! just that i can't seem to let go, and i have no idea why. i want to, i don't want to remain this way, disappointed, heartbroken, let down, all my life. i want to feel like a kid again, where everything was so unimportant, and everything could be taken at face value. now, everything that i hear seems to have a double meaning, and that gets be all riled up and angsty and whatever else.

i think i sort of lost it today during school. or yesterday. i cut out a heart during physics, from paper, and sorta hung it from my shirt pocket. i had no idea why i did that, or why i coloured it black. but come to think of it, i feel that it does have a certain significance, because when i finally come out of all this, my heart will be hardened beyond repair, and i will be some emotionless shell devoid of feelings. no, no one needs to feel guilty because i got myself into all this shit by my own hands.

i'm getting damn pissed off with everything. my elbow just won't fucking get better. the moment i think i'm ok for good on sunday, the pain comes back, and i can't fucking throw or bat properly at all.

and then i get pissed off by all the bullshit and all the fuck that's come my way, and i try to take it out during training, but the fucking elbow and the fucking pain just prevents me from doing so. and it's a choice between whether i want to just kill myself and die from overexersion, because my elbow just feels like it's going to come off any second, or just train normally, subdued, and go home and thrash the house or rant on this blog.

i guess i'm just stuck between who i am and who i want to be.

i want to be loved. i want to have a good life. everyone chastises me when i lament how unlucky i am or how screwed up my life is. you think i don't know how poor or hungry other people are in other countries? or how people have lost family members? i'm not stupid you know. i'm in ri for a fucking reason. and i'm not that ignorant either.

i just feel so fucking pissed off that i've never met my expectations in anything at all my entire life. be it sports or studies, i've never failed to screw them up totally. even my life is so terribly fucked up i'd give anything to change it with someone else. but even then it wouldn't be of any use cos i guess i'd just mess it up all over again.

yeah duh i'm sad, but does anybody know? does anybody care? i think i'd have jumped a fucking long time ago if i wasn't a christian. no, i don't want to go to hell, because satan would just give me all the bullshit i'm facing now. and you can't commit suicide in hell can you.

i'm just so disappointed with life, and how mine has turned out. and how i've not been able to cope properly with any of the things that have come my way.

i blog more when i'm feeling like this.

looks like i'll be blogging quite often.

slau updated @ 1:21 AM

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