Well of Illusions!

Sunday, May 20, 2007

turn your eyes to the Lord
give him praise due his name
turn your eyes to the mountain
turn your eyes to Mount Zion

i really cried alot while watching bridge to terabithia yesterday. i don't remember crying that much while i was reading the book, but something in the movie touched me yesterday. maybe it was the unexpectedness...or the expectedness since i knew that particular thing was going to happen, or maybe it was that thing itself that made me cry. when i came home and read the synopsis on wikipedia, i think i found out exactly what it was :

Jesse can overcome his grief only with the strength and courage that his friendship with Leslie has given him.

i think it was the impact that Leslie made on Jesse in that short period of time that they were together, and their dependence on each other, that made me lose it. in some ways i can emphatise with them: Jesse lost someone very close to me, while i lost something that i really really wanted - that title of national champions.

and while Jesse lost it in such an agonizing way, so did we. and i think the tearing was kind of subconscious because i could feel his pain, and the emotional trauma that he was going through.

but like his courage, the Lord Jesus does not forsake either, and i finally found out today, after such a long time in the wilderness. yes, of course it can't be measured in years, but i was lost for a long long time, but now i am found.

to be honest, i was really really affected greatly by our failure in the nationals this year, just that i tried to remain optimistic because i didn't want my parents to get affected as well, especially since my mother has a knack of wanting to know everything that's bothering me.

i was even contemplating suicide once, and even though my chinese teacher laughed it off when i told her about it, i was actually dead serious and i really was considering turning to other means to vent my frustrations. just like how jesse never had a true friend until he met leslie, so it was with me never having won anything in the nationals before. and this year, i felt that we truly had a chance.

maybe it was just as evident to other people as well, which was why they had to resort to such things against us. but it hurts. it really does. and thankfully today's sermon really really helped me see the light.

although i didn't go up for the altar call, i was just as touched and moved by those who went up for prayer, especially by some of the testimonials, and some of the songs written by my church's sonic edge band. and maybe i should make psalm 40:1-4 my favourite passage in the bible:

i waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet upon the rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man
who makes the Lord his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

and just like how Jesse finally got over Leslie's death, i think the testimonials by some of the sonic edge ministry members, and the message of today's sermon, was sent me the message that God will see me through this tough period, and He will put a new song in my mouth.

the other thing i got from the movie is that people can disappear from our lives within a split second, and we can do nothing about it no matter how open we keep our minds. therefore we should cherish our time on earth. what are we doing to make our time here more worthwhile? how do we make it more valuable?

i cried the most when Jesse was in his father's arms, crying because he hadn't brought Leslie to Christ yet, and he thought he had doomed her to a lifetime in hell. will that be how we feel when someone else we are close to passes away? will that be how we feel when we ourselves have to leave this mortal plane? that we aren't doing enough to make our lifetime worthwhile?

why should we be so privileged to live more than twenty years? like one of the songs the sonic edge band wrote:

who am i that You should save me?
who am i that You should love me?
who am i that You should give Your life for me?

God gave up so much so that we could be here today, and what are we doing to repay that sacrifice that He made? sometimes i really feel so wasted, and that was one of the reasons that i felt like ending it all. even if i lived out this damned life of mine, would i even see heaven? i might as well just end it now and go to hell.

but no, like pastor Ronny said offering today:

a life with God, is a life with hope

how awesome is this God of ours, that He can turn anything around? that He can turn my disappoint, frustration, and anger around?

i just tear at His wonderful grace, even though my eyes are still a little swollen from yesterday and this morning.

slau updated @ 1:39 PM

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